The Poacher Guy

 

Once upon a time there was a guy. He lived near the ocean. He liked to poach animals.

One day he stepped into the crisp spring air and said "HA HA!! The world shall be MINE!!" As he said this, he shot a rhinoceros. As he added the horn to his collection, a little bird flew into his window, knocking itself out.

"Stupid bird," said the guy, grimacing in self-righteous disgust.

The next day an armored limo drove up his driveway with 5 men in black suits in it.

"Oh good; XX is here," said the guy. "I have lots of stuff for him."

Outside, the bird recovered from its fall. It flew up to the roof and began chirping happily.

The guy stepped outside to welcome the guys in the limo.

Without warning, the bird suddenly swooped from the roof and veered into the window of the bulletproof limo, knocking itself out.

"Stupid bird," said the cheauffeaure, grimacing in self-righteous disgust.

The cheauffeaure got out and opened the door for the other guys in black suits. The guys got out. One of them was carrying a briefcase. Another one was wearing expensive sunglasses. Yet another was holding an umbrella over his head and muttering dark things. The guy who was not all those other guys walked up to the poacher, extended his hand in cordial greeting and said "HI!!"

"Hi," said the poacher guy. "Do come in."

The bird resumed its position on the roof.

Inside the cabin, evil occurrences were occurring, as occurrences are wont to do.

"You got the stuff, poacher guy?" said the man who was not all those other guys.

"I'll take care of my end, XX. You got the money?" said the poacher guy.

"Sure do," said XX, grinning broadly. "Fred, the briefcase, please."

The man with the briefcase, or Fred, set it on the coffee table. XX opened it. It was empty.

A moment of stunned silence ensued.

"Well, shucks, I was sure I filled it up this morning," said XX with an exasperated gesture.

"HA, ha, just kidding," said Fred, placing another briefcase on the table. XX opened it. It contained moola in abundance.

The poacher guy sprang into action. He loaded up their limo with rhinoceros horns, peacock feathers, leopard furs, and ocelot furs, with an occasional elephant tusk.

The 5 guys left with the stuff, and the poacher guy sat at home with the money.

Now, hmmm... It's about time we give this poacher guy a name. How about Fred? No, that's already been taken. How about Joe? Yeah, that sounds good. Joe it is.

So Joe was sitting down, trying to figure out how to spend all this money without getting caught, when a loud crash came from outside.

"Stupid bird," said Joe.

The next day Joe shot several penguins and another ocelot. "HA HA!" he said, wickedly.

When he had accumulated a goodly sum of poached animal parts, he sat in his cabin and awaited XX's return. As he pondered life, a little bird tumbled down the chimney into his fireplace.

"Must be getting icy outside," said Joe, tossing in the self-righteous, disgusted grimace for good measure.

The noise of tires on gravel came from outside. 5 guys in a bulletproof limo pulled up outside.

"Oh good, XX is here," said Joe. "I have lots of stuff for him."

XX got out of the limo, wearing a big mask.

"Hmm.." said Joe. "I wonder what the mask is for."

CHIRP!! CHIRP!! went the bird.

"Ah, the dumb bird." Joe grabbed it and threw it outside. It regained its flying ability and veered into the limo.

"Dumb bird," said XX.

The guys walked into the cabin.

"You got the stuff?" said XX in a muffled voice as he surveyed all the tusks, furs, horns and feathers in the cabin.

"Boy, is that a dumb question," said Fred in an odd voice.

"You got the money?" said Joe.

Suddenly, all the guys drew guns. XX took off his mask.

It wasn't XX!!

"I'm from the FBI," said the guy.

"No you're not, ya doofus," said another guy. "You're from the CIA."

"CIA, FBI, same thing," said the first guy. "In any case, you're under arrest," said the guy, flashing a badge.

"Oh yeah?" said Joe. "Why?"

"Look around," said a third guy with sarcasm.

"Oh, shucks," said Joe. "Got me there."

"You're going to have to resign from your position at the zoo, too," said the man, as he looked at all the skins and ivory from all the animals.

"Hey, maybe now the zoo will be able to keep endangered animals without them dying," said the third guy.

A CRASH! came from the window.

"STUPID BIRD," they all said together.The Compendium

© 1998-2021 Zach Bardon
Last modified 7.19.2019
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