About Guys

by my sister

We all know about the natural laws that function in our world, such as the law of gravity: things fall. We remember learning about the Laws of Thermodynamics in science class. Another law exists, however, that is often overlooked. It has been my experience that there is a fundamental law which stipulates that the greater the number of guys in close quarters, the less their collective rationality. I present this only after exhaustive research, namely having an older brother.

For instance, I have noticed a marked change in the driving syle of my brother when he drives his friends to see a movie. Despite the added weight of his friends, he manages to take corners on two wheels instead of four. This is accompanied by an exponential increase in speed and engine revs. This is the same brother who can docilely drive my mother to church, docilely for a teenage guy being leaving an excessive five feet of space between his car and the vehicle preceeding it and only going ten miles per hour faster than the speed limit.

Driving is not the only instance in which the inverse relationship of numbers and intelligence is seen. Take for instance the glaring example of football. Here the total concentration of guys is such as to render the collective brain functions of them all virtually nonexistent. This is why refreshments are mandatory at sporting events, as this seems to act as some sort of sedative to keep the guys from killing themselves or others. Women are very familiar with this principle and follow it judiciously. I have never heard of guys getting together to watch a game without some mention of snacks. Several other categories of sports can only be explained through a collective loss of male sanity, such as monster trucks, hockey, and the World Wrestling Federation.

I am sure fireworks were never intended to be used by anyone of the male persuasion. The manufacturers would know that guys would never read the helpful warnings on the labels, such as "LIGHT FUSE AND GET AWAY" or "DO NOT POINT AT FACE". Thus I must conclude that the warnings were intended for girls, who would not only read them but follow the instructions. One guy by himself has all his faculties about him and might merely blow up some of those green tanks with Black Cats. Two guys would begin aiming Roman candles at each other in some sort of duel. Three guys, as I have personally observed, would light off firecrackers in a dry field on hay bales with no helpful bucket of water in sight. I need not write what would happen if a group of guys was left alone in a fireworks warehouse.

Guys on the whole seem woefully ignorant of any such law of group stupidity and frequently gather in groups, completely disregarding the potentially catastrophic repercussions of such an event. One of these gatherings is mandatory in the form of school, with no thought toward the safety of all the female members of the class. Hallways and lunch rooms are perhaps the most dangerous places young girls can be.

Speaking of girls, any presence of the female persuasion seems to amplify the loss of clear thought in guys. When a single guy is with a girl, he can try to impress her by being sensitive and thoughtful. If there are two guys, they may either try to outdo the other in impressive feats or they may simply attack each other. With a group of guys, nothing can ensue short of wanton destruction.

While no immediate correction can be found, I believe direct education on the law of inverse intelligence could provide some measure of safety for all involved. However, for the guys this would have to be done in separate rooms when their awareness and learning capabilities are at their peak. Even the introduction of one other male during instruction would cut the results by half. Perhaps the more effective route would be to instruct the ladies only and leave the guys to their own fate. I would advocate the presence of food at all gatherings to keep the guys in line, and under no circumstances should a guy be allowed within one thousand feet of a car.The Compendium

© 1998-2024 Zach Bardon
Last modified 7.19.2019
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