A Hollywood Badguy in Britain


(Takes place in England. Everyone has English accent except Evil Man. Evil Man is threatening Joe.)

EVIL: HA HA HA HA! Now you shall die!
JOE: What?
EVIL: I said, Now you will die!! I also said HA HA HA HA!
JOE: Are you threatening me?
EVIL: Yes.
MARY: (aside) Oh, poor Joe. I must help him. (to Evil man) So, Evil man. You think you can threaten Joe, do you?
EVIL: Of course I do. If I didn't, I wouldn't.
EVIL: It's your line now.
MARY: You forgot to laugh.
MARY: Well, I won't stand for it. I'm going to get the constable.
EVIL: You're getting the constable?
MARY: I believe that was just mentioned. By me, in fact.
EVIL: Well?
MARY: Well what?
EVIL: Are you?
MARY: Am I what?
EVIL: Getting the constable.
MARY: No I never forget things, least of all that kind man Constable Jones.
EVIL: No, no, no, I didn't say FORGETTING the constable, I said GETTING the constable.
MARY: Oh. Well, what about getting the constable?
EVIL: Are you?
MARY: Am I what? Getting the constable?
EVIL: Yes!
MARY: Well, not RIGHT NOW, dummy. Right now I'm talking to you. What about, I don't know.
EVIL: I'm not sure myself. I think you were saying something about getting the constable, but I've forgotten why.
MARY: So have I.
JOE: I haven't.
MARY: Oh Joe! Hello!
JOE: Hello Mary.
EVIL: Ah, yes! I remember now. PREPARE TO DIE, JOE!!
MARY: Why, you're right. That's exactly why I was talking about getting the constable.
JOE: Actually, why do you want to kill me?
EVIL: What?
MARY: He said, "Why do you want to kill me?"
EVIL: I DON'T want to kill you. I want to kill Joe.
MARY: I know. I never said you wanted to kill me.
EVIL: Yes you did. You said, "Why do you want to kill me?"
MARY: I didn't say that. Joe did.
EVIL: You did too. I distinctly heard you say it.
MARY: I was quoting Joe.
EVIL: He never said that.
MARY: Said what?
EVIL: "Why do you want to kill me?"
MARY: I DON'T want to kill you. I don't think anyone does.
EVIL: I was quoting you.
MARY: And I was quoting Joe.
JOE: Getting back to the point, why do you want to kill me?
EVIL: Who are you?
JOE: I'm Joe. You mentioned something a while back about killing me.
EVIL: I did?
JOE: Yes. You did.
MARY: I distinctly heard you say it.
EVIL: Say what?
MARY: I distinctly heard you say it.
EVIL: No, I didn't mean "Say what?" like "Come again?", I meant it like "What did you hear me say?"
MARY: What?
JOE: Never mind.
JOE RANNE: I'm retarded!
MARY: How did you get here?
EVIL: Very funny. If you don't leave, I will kill Joe.
MARY: Which one? Joe, or Joe Ranne?
EVIL: Well, since I was talking to Joe Ranne about Joe, It must be Joe and not Joe Ranne, or I would have said "you" instead of "Joe".
JOE: He's gone.
MARY: Does that mean you won't kill Joe now?
EVIL: Which Joe?
MARY: This one.
JOE: Me.
EVIL: Kill you? Me?
JOE: Yes.
MARY: What?
JOE: I said "Yes."
MARY: I know what you said.
JOE: Then why did you say "what?"
MARY: I meant what in general, not what specifically. I was confused.
EVIL: Why would I want to kill you?
JOE: I was wondering that myself.
EVIL: Oh. I know. Because I'm EVIL!! HA HA HA HA!!
MARY: Good, you remembered to laugh that time before my line.
EVIL: Of course I did.
EVIL: It's your line now.
MARY: Oh, woops. Well, come on Joe, lets get out of here.
JOE: Sounds fine with me.
EVIL: Hey, wait! Where do you think you're going?
MARY: We're leaving.
JOE: I'm sick of being threatened by you.
EVIL: What?! How dare you leave! I'll get the constable!
JOE: Why?!
EVIL: You are just leaving in the middle of this intriguing dialogue!
MARY: I'm sure you're the only one who found it intriguing.
EVIL: It is my express right as a badguy to have control over my victim! He can't just LEAVE!
JOE: Not even if I'm fully capable of leaving?
MARY: Don't listen to him, Joe. Come on.
CONSTABLE: What seems to be the trouble here?
EVIL: Officer, they're leaving.
MARY: Constable Jones, he was threatening Joe.
CONSTABLE: Who, Joe Ranne?
JOE: No, me.
CONSTABLE: Not you? Then who?
JOE: No, I didn't say "not me", i said "no, me".
CONSTABLE: Actually no, I haven't had the pleasure of meeting you.
JOE: No, I didn't mean "know me."
EVIL: Don't listen to him officer. He's confusing.
CONSTABLE: It's CONSTABLE, not officer.
MARY: Why? Is this Britain?
CONSTABLE: Yes, I would say this is a Briton. He has an English accent.
MARY: No, I mean, are we IN Britain?
JOE: Yes Mary, this is England.
MARY: Not Britain?
JOE: It's both. Britain means the same thing as England.
EVIL: So does English mean the same thing as British?
JOE: I guess so.
EVIL: So we're speaking British right now?
JOE: You could say that, I suppose.
MARY: What about UK?
JOE: I don't know. What about it?
MARY: What does that mean? Is that Britain too?
JOE: I think so. It means United Kingdom or something like that.
EVIL: So we're speaking UK?
CONSTABLE: Why am I even here?
MARY: I don't know.
EVIL: Because they were about to leave.
CONSTABLE: Why is that significant?
EVIL: Pardon me, but that word had five syllables.
MARY: It had FOUR, you dummy.
EVIL: Please use smaller words so I can understand you. Like the traditional badguy, I have a low IQ.
CONSTABLE: Why is that important?
EVIL: Why is WHAT important?
CONSTABLE: You said they were leaving.
EVIL: That's right. They were.
EVIL: They can't leave! I have not fully threatened Joe!
EVIL: That's my express right as a badguy, right, officer?
CONSTABLE: CONSTABLE. And I think I recall reading somewhere that you DO have that right.
EVIL: HA! See?
CONSTABLE: See what?
EVIL: I was talking to them.
MARY: Come on Joe, let's go. Constable Jones will take care of him.
CONSTABLE: Hold on. I think he may have something here.
MARY: What?
CONSTABLE: You may have to stay here until he has sufficiently threatened Joe.
JOE: What?
CONSTABLE: That is a traditional right of badguys in some counties.
MARY: Counties?! I thought this was England.
EVIL: It's Britain.
MARY: They're the same, remember?
EVIL: Oh yeah.
JOE: England has counties, too. Mostly they end with "shire"
EVIL: Why?
JOE: I don't know. They just DO.
CONSTABLE: Let me get out my book and see if he has this right in this particular county.
(ruffle ruffle ruffle)
EVIL: What's that ruffling noise?
MARY: It's the constable ruffling in his book. The pages make that sound.
EVIL: Hey, only I can laugh. I KNOW that's my right.
CONSTABLE: I said AHA not HA HA. What I meant was that I have discovered your rights.
EVIL: Oh good. Read the part about them not being able to leave.
CONSTABLE: Well, actually they can leave. That is only your right in America, not here in Britain.
MARY: So this IS Britain.
JOE: Yes. We already decided that, remember?
EVIL: But officer-
CONSTABLE: CONSTABLE! This is Britain, so I am a constable!
JOE: Also he wears that funny hat.
CONSTABLE: Hey, watch it.
JOE: Watch what?
MARY: I think he means be careful.
EVIL: So they can leave?
EVIL: What if I kill them?
CONSTABLE: Then they'd be dead.
EVIL: I know, but is that my right? Can I kill them?
CONSTABLE: Yes, but I would arrest you.
EVIL: Why?
MARY: Because you'd have killed us, you dummy.
EVIL: Please stop calling me dummy.
MARY: I never call you. And don't call me dummy.
EVIL: No I meant please stop referring to me as "dummy". That was the fourth time during this dialogue that you have
called me dummy.
JOE: It was the THIRD, dummy.
EVIL: Hey, stop! Officer, do something! Officer?
MARY: He doesn't seem to hear you.
JOE: Try calling him constable.
EVIL: Constable?
EVIL: Do something!
(constable dances Irish jig)
EVIL: What are you DOING?
CONSTABLE: Something. Namely, dancing an Irish jig.
MARY: Come on Joe.
JOE: Alright.
EVIL: AAhhhgg!! Stop! Don't leave! I want to threaten you!
(exit Joe and Mary)
EVIL: AAAHHHHH!!! They left! (beat) What did you say you were doing?
CONSTABLE: Dancing an Irish jig.
EVIL: Why aren't you dancing a British jig? Aren't you a constable?
CONSTABLE: Well, yes...
EVIL: And furthermore, why are you not dancing an English jig?
CONSTABLE: It's all perfectly-
EVIL: And how about a UK jig?
CONSTABLE: Is there such thing?
EVIL: I don't know. What's a jig, anyway?
CONSTABLE: It's a dance, you dummy.The Compendium

© 1998-2024 Zach Bardon
Last modified 7.19.2019
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