(with help from friend Laeton; incomplete but will probably always be that way)

KNIGHT: Prepare to be vanquished, Purple-clad knight!
PURPLE-CLAD KNIGHT: What does "purple-clad" mean?
KNIGHT: It means you are clad in purple.
KNIGHT: You are. In purple.
PURPLE-CLAD KNIGHT: No, I am Sir Albert. Not Clad.
KNIGHT: You're not clad?
ALBERT: No, I am Albert.
KNIGHT: If you're not clad, how come you're wearing clothes?
ALBERT: What?!
KNIGHT: Never mind. Prepare to be vanquished, Albert.
(they fight)
(Albert is slain)
KNIGHT: I have won the victory for my homeland.
OTHER KNIGHT: Albert lost for your homeland.
OTHER KNIGHT: You both share the same land; why fight amongst yourselves?
KNIGHT: This is England.
JOE RANNE: I'm retarded!
KNIGHT: Why have you come?
(knights look at each other)
(both knights slay Joe)
OTHER: Very funny.
KNIGHT: Come, let us mount up. We have many miles ahead of us!
OTHER: Francis! Bring the horses!
FRANCIS: (nods)
NARRATOR: The noble knights rode for several fortnights before they came upon
the castle Telmartes.
KNIGHT: It is the castle Telmartes!
OTHER: I know.
KNIGHT: I KNOW you know; it was mostly for dramatic effect.
OTHER: Well, what plan now?
KNIGHT: Come, good Sir Other, we shall speak with the lord of the castle.
FRANCIS: (nods)
LORD: I am the lord of the castle.
KNIGHT: Hail, good lord. We seek a respite from our wearisome travels
at your castle.
LORD: From whence are you come?
OTHER: From the west country.
KNIGHT: Recently, from the Court.
LORD: By any chance did you come across my good friend Sir Albert on
your travels?
KNIGHT: Indeed we did. I'm afraid I slew him.
LORD: Oh, that's too bad. For what cause?
KNIGHT: This story is not clear on that point.
LORD: Most distressing! He was delivering an important message to the Hermit.
NARRATOR: The Hermit.
KNIGHT: Who is this Hermit?
OTHER: Have you not heard of the Great Hermit of Dolbyshire?
OTHER: Neither have I.
LORD: I don't think anyone has. This hermit is simply: the Hermit.
NARRATOR: The Hermit.
OTHER: Why did you want to deliver a message to him, my lord?
LORD: The Magicians of West Pottamax have been stirring up a rebellion.
EDWARD: With a big spoon.
LORD: Edward! How did you get here? Knights, please slay this miscreant.
KNIGHT: Aye, my leige. (withdraws sword)
EDWARD: Never mind, I have to go back to England now.
OTHER: This IS England.
EDWARD: It is?
(knight stabs Edward, Edward falls)
*begin Laeton's addition*
OTHER: You stabbed Edward!!
KNIGHT: Yes, I did.
OTHER: Do not worry Edward! You shall not have been killed in vain!!!
(draws sword)
EDWARD: I'm not quite dead yet.
OTHER: You shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!!
EDWARD: I think I shall get better.
OTHER: (stabs Edward, Edward dies)
NARRATOR: Suddenly after apparently healed from the wound Edward took a turn
for the worse.
OTHER: You, Edward, shall not have died in vain.
(Knight and Other fight)
NARRATOR: So Sir Other and Sir Knight fought.
KNIGHT: Would you shut up!! I am trying to fight.
OTHER: No kidding, it is hard enough to fight, but when someone is constantly
talking it is virtually impossible.
NARRATOR: But I'm narrating
(Knight and Other look at each other, they stab Narrator)
BOTH: Narrate this.
(Knight stabs Other, Other stabs Knight)
(Both are slain)
*end Laeton's addition*
FRANCIS: (nods)The Compendium

© 1998-2024 Zach Bardon
Last modified 7.19.2019
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