(MAN with truck and horse trailer {real or imaginary} is filling his tank at a gas station, when the GAS station attendant approaches and looks curiously around at the trailer, obviously trying to discern the presence of life inside. Finally he gets up the courage to address the MAN:)

GAS: What do you have in the trailer?

MAN: (looks at GAS then looks away) Horses.

GAS: Oh, silly me! It is a horse trailer i'n't it?

(the MAN nods; pause while GAS idly sits there unsatisfied but not wanting to ask more. Then, the sound of a bleating goat comes from the trailer)

GAS: Um,-- do you have goats in there too?

MAN: (slightly threatening) No, why do you ask?

GAS: That sound just now -- it sounded like a, a,--


GAS: Er, yes...

MAN: Nope, all I got is horses.

(sound of bleating goat)

GAS: (genuinely puzzled) Why do your horses go "naaaaa"?

MAN: (thinks a bit) They're Scottish.

GAS: Oh, and Scottish horses go "naaaa"?

MAN: That's right.

(pause, GAS is still edgy and curious)

GAS: Do you mind if I have a look at 'em sir? I've never seen a Scottish horse before.

MAN: They're really not much to look at, you see-

GAS: But I ain't never seen one before, I mean, a real Scottish horse! It's really--

MAN: You know what? I'm done filling my tank. I'm going to go pay--

GAS: I mean, who's ever heard of a Scottish horse?

MAN: (making ready to leave) Most people have. Clearly you dont know very much about--

GAS: I mean, Arabians, yes I've seen THOSE, and quarter horses, a few Clydesdales, a handful of Spanish wilds from Assateague, the occasional Shetland pony, yes, but Scottish, I--

(goat bleat)

MAN: I need to go.

GAS: Can I have a look at 'em, sir?

MAN: Oh ALL RIGHT! (opens rear of trailer; audience can't see in)

GAS: (after looking in confusion for a bit) They're a bit small for horses, aren't they?

MAN: Um, they're ponies.

GAS: (looks a bit more) They look like goats.

(pause; MAN is obviously quite fed up)

MAN: Look, every time I try to tell you what they really are, you say, "no, they're goats." So you know what?? Never mind! I don't care if you can't tell a Scottish pony when you see one! Never mind that even the most ignorant sop would recognize them as SCOTTISH PONIES!

GAS: All I said was--

MAN: I mean, look at them! Don't you see the way their hocks are formed? Can't you recognize their distinctly equestrian characteristics?!

GAS: (looks again, then shakes his head) They still look like goats.

(goat bleat)

GAS: ...sound like goats too.

MAN: Now you've done it! That's their "angry" whinny! You've off and offended them, calling them goats! (with complete disdain) Goats... Pah!

GAS: Listen, just because--

MAN: No, YOU listen! I'm--

GAS: I AM listening, and what I hear is goats.

MAN: Why you--

GAS: You can't say a pony will suddenly sound like a goat just because its ANGRY.

MAN: Shut up!

GAS: I mean, you're angry NOW, and YOU don't sound like a goat.

MAN: (grabs GAS and shakes him) SHUT UP! Will you shut up!

GAS: (being throttled) No, it sounds like a goat because it IS a goat!

MAN: (furiously throttling) You stupid... gas station attendant!

(goat bleat)

GAS: Stop it, you're making your ponies mad!

MAN: (releases GAS, calms down a bit) Don't be ridiculous.

GAS: (GAS brushes himself off, straightens clothes, etc) So you agree it's ridiculous now?

MAN: Of course. (confidentially) They weren't ANGRY; that was their "Mind your temper" whinny.

GAS: They're blinking GOATS!!


GAS: Why on earth would anyone drive around with a trailer full of GOATS and try to pass them off on unsuspecting gas station atendants as angry Scottish ponies who happen to dabble in peacemaking?!?!

MAN: (apparently settling) That's a good question. (thinks)

GAS: (watches MAN curiously, thinks he's finally cracked him)

MAN: (thoughtfully) Well, I think whoever this person is, he's probably just jealous he hasn't got the real thing like I have.

GAS: Listen! You have a trailer full of goats! Do you understand?! GOATS!!

MAN: Look, you ignorant fop! I have pedigrees! Real, honest-to-good--

GAS: Oh yeah? Let's see 'em then!

(MAN reaches in pocket, fumbles with things, finally withdraws some folded papers, which he carefully unfolds, though they are wrinkled, and tries to flatten a bit, then holds them out for GAS to see)

MAN: There you are. See? (pointing) Leopold IV. Purebred.

GAS: (looking over shoulder, also pointing) What's that?

MAN: What?

GAS: Right there.

MAN: Where? I'm not seeing--

GAS: Right THERE, where it says Leopold IV is a purebred goat!! HA! I told you they were goats!

MAN: (stubbornly denies) They're ponies.

GAS: How can you go on saying--

MAN: That's what they call ponies in Scotland.The Compendium

© 1998-2024 Zach Bardon
Last modified 7.19.2019
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