LARS: And welcome to our show tonight, ladies and gentlemen! This week our guest is Norman Kiln, the famed Scottish actor. He has been in several movies.
No, that sounded terrible. Hmmm... And now, ladies and gentlemen, live from Chicago, the Allison Cooper show! Tonight's guest is actor Norman Kiln, who you may recall has been in movies and is Scottish. No, that stinks too. How do I do this?
CHRISTY: You'll do fine, Lars.
LARS: Not at this rate I won't.
CHRISTY: Try again.
LARS: Alright.
It's the Allison Cooper show! There is an actor who has been in movies named Norman Kiln who will be our Scottish guest tonight! And now, Allison Cooper!
CHRISTY: You're right; that was horrible.
LARS: See? I tell you, I can't do this!
CHRISTY: I KNOW you can, Lars. You just need to listen to the pros. Pick up a few pointers. For example, I think you could leave out that part about him being in movies. Most actors are.
LARS: Really?
CHRISTY: Of course they are. That's what actors do.
LARS: I mean, should I really leave that out?
CHRISTY: I think so.
CLYDE: Alright Lars, let's see what you can do.
LARS: I'm next?
CLYDE: No, I just said let's see what you can do.
LARS: What?
CLYDE: YES, you're next. Geez. Come on in here.
LARS: Here goes nothing. Wish me luck, Christy.
CHRISTY: You're right, and I do.
LARS: What?
CHRISTY: Never mind.
CLYDE: Come ON, Lars...
LARS: Oh. Coming! (to Christy) See you in a bit.
(inside studio)
CLYDE: Alright, son, give it your best shot. Here's your info. The guest is Matt Sharp. He's a country music star. The show's host is Allison Cooper. Matt Sharp is from Nashville, and recently had an album that went gold.
LARS: People actually BUY country music?
CLYDE: Look, Lars, it's not your place to ask questions. You're just here to audition, not comment.
CLYDE: Now, when I say "action," you start your spiel. Got that?
LARS: When you say what?
CLYDE: Action.
LARS: Allison Cooper has a show, and this is certainly it! And speaking of shows, ladies and gentlemen, they often have guests! We do! It's gold-album-making country singer Matt Sharp, who I don't think has been in any movies and is from Nashville! And now, the host of the Allison Cooper show, um... Allison Cooper!
LARS: How was that?
LARS: That bad, huh?
CLYDE: Lars, I hate to tell you this but-
LARS: I stink?
CLYDE: Well, I certainly wouldn't tell you that, but now that you mention it, you do. But what I was going to say is that you are phenomenal. Really, really phenomenal.
LARS: Are you kidding?
CLYDE: Yes. I always say what I don't mean.
LARS: What?
CLYDE: NO, I'm not kidding. Geez. You're great. Your lines are totally creative and unheard-of and, well, funny.
LARS: I wasn't TRYING to be funny.
CLYDE: That's what makes it funny. Think about it, kid! You'll be a star! You've got a name no one could forget! Lars Verbecky! When's the last time you heard of a guy named LARS? I mean, there ISN'T anyone name Lars!! And then your last name! Verbecky! That's a totally wierd last name! Where do you suppose-
LARS: Look, I've had about enough of you making fun of my name.
CLYDE: OH, I had NO IDEA it was such A SENSITIVE AREA for you. My apologies.
LARS: Was that sarcasm?
CLYDE: Sarcasm? Me? HA! I'm never sarcastic.
LARS: Are you sure about that?
CLYDE: No. I have no idea what I just said.
LARS: What?
CLYDE: OF COURSE I'm sure. Geez.
CLYDE: Stop what?
LARS: Doing THAT! Every time I ask you a question, you say something stupid, I say "what?" and then you answer the question like I'm an idiot for asking it. I find it highly annoying.
CLYDE: Well, get used to it, son. In showbiz, EVERYONE is annoying. Usually the directors.
LARS: What about the directors?
CHRISTY: Are you done in there yet?
CLYDE: Almost, sweetie!
LARS: Why did you just call her sweetie?
CLYDE: Because we're engaged.
LARS: No you're not!
CLYDE: Just kidding. It's a showbiz thing. G-
LARS: DON'T EVEN say "geez."

One Week Later

LARS: Allison Cooper will be coming shortly after I finish this intro, because this is the Allison Cooper show! We have a guest! He has a name! It's James Hoppert. He is also a brain surgeon! He surges brains! As I said, here, ladies and gentlemen, is Allison Cooper!
ALLISON: Hi! Welcome to our show again!
CHRISTY: Good job Lars!
LARS: Thanks, Christy!

Two Weeks Later

LARS: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the the show with a guest that is Herman Phoric! It's the Allison Cooper show! He directs movies, specifically the one that is named "Loose Ends" and came out in theaters yesterday! Also, here's your friend, Allison Cooper!
ALLISON: Hi! Welcome!

Five Weeks Later

LARS: Hi! This is a show! Who is this show named after? Certainly not our guest, Ginger DeJohnette, who sings! Allison Cooper! Yes! And speaking of her, this IS her!
ALLISON: Hello. He just gets weirder every week, doesn't he?

Ten Weeks Later

LARS: If you are watching this, Hi! If you aren't, I don't care! This is the show of several shows, the Allison Cooper show! Ladies and gentlemen, she has guests on the show, of which today's is Susan Brighton. She is a cartoonist who draws "Hard Pills" and is from England. Don't worry; I won't make any jokes about swallowing her cartoons! HA HA! Here is Allison!
ALLISON: Hi! That was Lars Verbecky, our announcer!

Thirteen Weeks Later

LARS: It's me, Lars! Lars Verbecky! Guess why I'm here? To announce that we have a guest on the Allison Cooper show today, like many times we do! He is Carlos Panchez, the mandolin-player virtuoso who is taking the music world by storm! I hope he gives it back! HA HA! Hi, Allison, who is here!
ALLISON: Hi, Lars! And hello all! Lars will be signing autographs afterward.

Fifteen Weeks Later

LARS: This show is named after Allison Cooper, who has been the host for a long time! She also has guests that talk! On the show! One of them is Marlon Lewis who runs! Very fast! He will be on the Allison Cooper show today! Here is, ladies and gentlemen, Allison Cooper!
ALLISON: Thank you Lars. Lars is on my show. Now for our guest.

Twenty Weeks Later

ALLISON: It's the Lars Verbecky show! Our guest tonight is singer/songwriter Mark Albert, who wrote the Grammy-award winning song "If I Could Only". And now, here's Lars!
LARS: Hello, and welcome to my show! You may remember me from such shows as: the Allison Cooper show! I am Lars Verbecky!
CHRISTY: Great job Lars!
LARS: Who are you?
CHRISTY: (bursts into tears)The Compendium

© 1998-2024 Zach Bardon
Last modified 7.19.2019
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