Zach's Friend Finder

Stephanie Axne


Like, Chicago or Omaha or something.


I met Stephanie Axne (Stephanie #3?) at ZEROS. Or was it eXtreme? Probably the latter. Anyway, Stephanie is great. We have enjoyed making music together on several occasions, often with such superb individuals as: John Pillen and Chris Edwards. In addition, there have been emails, often debating such hot-button issues as: is it proper to say "buttered scones," since the scone is typically buttered anyway? Actually, this is really funny, check it:

Zach (at some point, probably quoting Monty Python):
"...buttered scones..."

Stephanie (posing as OSHA):
International Foods class today at Burke High School involved painstakingly preparing scones. That's right-- you heard it-- SCONES. Just thought we would enlighten you that the very nature of the infamous scone is that it is buttered, therefore to use the term "buttered scone" would be redundant, thus completely and utterly uncivilized. This is an error I believe could effect some dastardly consequences should it not be remedied as soon as possible. Please correct this mistake by tomorrow or you shall incur a fine. Thank you for your time.

WHAT THE HECK IS THE OCCUPATIONAL SAFETY AND HEALTH ADMINISTRATION DOING CORRECTING ALLEGED FOOD LABELING BLUNDERS?! DO I PAY MY TAXES FOR THIS?! Why am I not getting an email from the Food and Drug Administration? They should be the bureaucratic agency handling this one.

Secondly, I would like to bring up the fact that no British people are even ON OSHA! How do they know whether scones, though already buttered, may test better with MORE butter? How do they know the Brits don't have an unbuttered variety of scone as well? They don't, in part because they are not British, and in part because THEY ARE NOT THE FDA!!

We are delighted to inform you that 13 days ago the Occupational Safety and Health Administration overthrew the Food and Drug Administration in a bloody battle to henceforth be called "The Last Food Fight." It actually was very similar to the battle in "Braveheart" where the British soldiers were impaled on very sharp fence posts (AND, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, as we were slaying the cowardly employees of the FDA, we ruthlessly and thoroughly interrogated them on the nature of scones).

We have now formed the most powerful and extensive oligarchy in the history of the world. Not only are we the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, but we are also the Masters of the Universe. Within the year, we will have every living individual on this planet you call Earth wrapped around our demanding finger. ABSOLUTE POWER. The words "buttered" and "scones" shall never be found in the same sentence ever again!

We are currently forming a plan of punishment for you since you have been unwilling to comply with our request, which may or may not include disembowling.

Is that awesome or what? Really, that's just an example of the many fun emails. I will send you more upon request.

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Friend Finder © 2006 Zach Bardon