Editorials

Editorials

"All opinions are mine. Mine, I tell you! BWA-HA-HA!" -Mario Cavallini

Registering for Classes - as you may be able to guess, I wrote this one about registering for classes at Washington University shortly after I arrived. I was quite possibly overly critical, but it's fun to read. This article uses the popular "Question and Answer" format.

Squirrels - Do you realize just how many squirrels are killed each year? It's a lot. This is sort of a tri-pronged, mild satire, primarily just inane.

Excerpt From Email - Not sure why I included this. I think it's because there is some sort of romantic intrigue to being Supreme Dictator of the World.

Communication Avenue - "Communication is a two-way street." My butt.

Shamu - I wrote this rebuttal in my yearbook editor's role when an innocent girl innocently suggested that we include a picture of Shamu in the yearbook.

The Difference Between a Bee - Are you one of them? It's likely, a lot of people are. Many ignorant people go through life without calling certain Hymenopterids by their rightful name. Stop the ignorance right here!

The Ten Greatest Men of My Era to Date - Certain people who like reading tabloids will misconstrue the meaning of that title. By "to date" I mean "up to the present time," not "to go on a date with." Here I am again writing for my fictional newspaper column.

Fibonacci Numbers and Other Very Meaningful Things - This was an actual school math project I wrote without really even having any sources.

Washington University Has Rules (Stupid Ones) - I wrote this as an assignment for my E Comp class. This is a satirical essay on Wash U's alcohol policy.

Ostriches - Ok, I was bored.

Jim Boseman - An imaginary rebuttal to an imaginary critique of my imaginary column.

The Future - My high school graduation speech. My English teacher approached me after school and asked if I had written a speech for graduation. I said "no." She said "you should." I said "when do you need it by?", blatantly ending the question with a preposition. She overlooked my blunder and said "today." I popped on over to the computer lab and cranked this out pretty fast. When I gave the speech, it seemed to me at least that the humor was either above or below everyone. But maybe they were just too hot to laugh. It was very warm in our gym (where graduation was).

How to Have a Successful Discussion Time - If you have ever had a discussion or even a meeting, you'll want to read this! It was inspired by several fruitless floor meetings we had in our dorm.

PFTHFFFFRRTCPFFF!! - Our school had a lousy intercom system.

Joy Lindholm for NHS President - Since my senior class was graduating, the juniors were going to take our places. Among them, the NHS officers' positions. Joy Lindholm was running for president, and I volunteered to write her speech for her. She ended up not using it, and consequently lost to her opponent Amy. Utilizes the popular "Plant in the Audience" tactic.

Hiking - During the summer I had a lot of time on my hands to think about topics. Too bad I never came up with any good ones. I wrote this instead.

The Star Wars Phenomenon - Why are so many people going to see this movie? This article attempts to explain.

Pizza - A nice editorial on marketing.

How to Conquer the Cycle of Death - If you are a college student, no doubt you are already familiar with the Cycle of Death. What's funny about this particular piece is that I wrote it while skipping class. You'll see why if you read it.

Presidents - A nice editorial on Presidents. When you write for a column, which I don't but I was pretending I did, you have to do some political stuff.

Phoomp! - An excerpt from an email which has become mildly classic.

Noise - Addresses the issue of noise in the dormitory.

Construction - More fairly inane upset ramblings, this time about the construction at Wash U, although more about what they're constructing.

Cooks - Occasionally I will plunge deep in thought. During one of those times, I started thinking about food and who makes it. Then I started thinking about really weird food and who makes it. And I drew some conclusions.

Economy - My job requires me to keep the political people happy at the imaginary column, so I interviewed Alan Greenspan about the economy.

If I Were an Artist - Occasionally I go wading in shallow thought, too. Here is a strange thought progression about how dumb cab-forward cars are and about satire in general.

The Turning of The Millenium - Well, if you're reading this, then it's still 1999, because after that the Internet will crash! Here is some advice and information about this Significant Happening.

The ACTUAL Turning of The Millenium - OK, so the Internet didn't crash. But that may be because the Millenium hasn't officially Turned yet! Read for details.